There should always be room for romance in your life. Romance is what makes love easy, what makes love intoxicating and thrilling. But romance does not make love complete . . . nor should it guide all relationship decisions.
The trouble with romance is that it often becomes our focus when we seek something real. It also inspires millions of proverbs and insights that motivate us to pursue love with chick-flick style wisdom . . . a type of wisdom that really works best on the big screen. If you’re looking for something that lasts beyond the Happily-Ever-After kiss, beware of these myths and half-truths:
Love is a feeling.
Okay, this is half true. When you’ve met someone you really mesh with, you know it by the way you feel . . . by that sense of connectedness and that all-important chemistry. But lasting love is much more than a feeling. It’s a decision—a decision to stay connected when life overwhelms you both, to commit yourselves to the work of building a stronger relationship after each set-back, and to offer one another affection and support even when your partner is old news. The feeling of love doesn’t vanish in a long-term relationship, but it does get drowned out sometimes in the noise of real life. That’s why a practical coke-and-pizza love is no less important than the ooey-gooey goodness of a wine-and-roses love.
There is one person in the world for all of us.
I may encounter a difference of opinion on this one, but I genuinely believe that there is no such thing as a single soul mate for each of us. I do believe that we are each unique individuals with an inherent set of standards defining our most compatible mate. Or to put it more simply, I believe that while you won’t mesh with everyone, you do have a good chance of finding a great match no matter where life takes you. While it’s crazy romantic to imagine there’s one perfect soul mate for you and that fate will bring him to your doorstep, many opportunities are wasted in wait of such a miracle. Also, many individuals dwell too long in heartbreak, believing that the one they lost was the only one for them. Go ahead and feel this way for the first few weeks. Just know in your head—no matter what your heart is whining about—that you will turn another corner and find someone you love just as much. Possibly more.
Love finds you when you’re not looking for it.
We’ve all got that friend—the one who feeds us this line while swearing that she had given up on love when she ran into the man of her dreams. Almost all of my friends have told me this story, and while I don’t doubt that they remember it that way, I can tell you for a fact at least half of them were talking dating sites or moping about loneliness only a couple weeks before they met the ones they married. If you need a break from dating, by all means, take it! But don’t let yourself believe that you have to stop trying in order for it to happen. Take a tip from my brother, who suddenly announced one day that he was going to find the woman he was going to marry. He had just come off a string of horrible dates and was battling a pessimistic view of the dating world when he declared that there was no reason why he couldn’t find an amazing woman, all it took was getting out there with a positive attitude. Within a month he met the woman who is now his wife.
Love changes you.
Another half-truth. Love does change you. All relationships change you. You can’t connect with someone else without learning and evolving. However, love will not fix you, nor will it fix your partner. If there’s some self-improving you want to do, it’s in your best interest to work on it now, rather than seek someone else to make you whole. While a partner is a wonderful support, there will come a time in your relationship when you realize the only person who can “fix” you is you.
All of these romantic notions hold a bit of truth. They embrace the idea that there is something transformative and mystical about love . . . and to some degree that’s true. I believe that romance should be embraced. But I also believe that romance should be seen for what it is—one aspect of love that cannot sustain a relationship without the support of actions and intellect. Enjoy your romances. Just remember that when you hit the knitty-gritty part of your relationship, it doesn’t mean the love is gone. It just means you’ve found a new corner of it.
