Help! His Best Friend is a Woman

 
It’s certainly not uncommon for a man to have a woman as his best friend. While it’s not uncommon, it CAN become problematic if the relationship is closer than a romantic relationship will ever be for either of them. Sex certainly does not have to be involved for a man and a woman to be monumentally close. It happens all the time with Internet relationships. However, if your partner has a female best friend and she seems to be more a part of your lives and relationship than you would like, you need to do something to change that.

Of course, the first thing you need to figure out is if there’s actually anything inappropriate with their friendship. If your partner is spending hours on the phone with his best friend on a regular basis to the extent that he’s ignoring you; that’s a problem. When you and your partner go out for the evening, if she always has to tag along or, worse yet, he makes plans to go out with her ALONE; there is a very big issue. If she’s invited by your partner to come along on your vacations, then you may definitely want to mention it to him.

Basically, if your partner is treating his “best friend” more like a girlfriend, you’ve got every right to make your feelings known. Hopefully, he’ll be reasonable about it and see your point of view. If he doesn’t, there are a few things to try so that he’ll finally get it.

Once you’ve talked to your partner about including his best friend LESS in your relationship; that should be the end of it. However, if it’s not, and he continues to put her ahead of you, it may be time to go out and find your OWN best friend: a male, of course. This is known as giving him a taste of his own medicine. Show him how it feels to be left at home while you go out for a night on the town with your best friend. Be sure to bring your best friend along on outings and trips with you and your partner. Actually, this could work better than you had hoped if HIS best friend and YOUR best friend hook up.

If his best friend has a partner of her own, you may try sitting down and talking things over with him. It may be that he’s just as frustrated as you are with this friendship and the two of you can work together to tone things down a notch. It’s certainly worth a shot.

Only use an ultimatum as a last resort. Men can be pretty strange creatures when it comes to telling them what they can and cannot do. If you make him choose between his best friend and you, things may not work out like you want them to. Even though he’s not having a sexual relationship with his best friend, he may decide that he would still rather keep her in his life and get rid of you. If that happens, all you can do is chalk it up to a lesson learned. Next time, you’ll know what to watch for in the BEGINNING of a relationship rather than spotting it after you’ve settled in.

The Competitive Partner’s Guide To Surviving Your Mate’s Success

 
Your partner is first and foremost your . . . well . . . partner.  She’s the person you know will always have your back.  She’ll celebrate with you in your victories and encourage you in your defeats.  She believes in you, brags about you, and wishes you well.

Even so, if you’re the competitive type, it can be easy to forget that your mate is playing on your team.  This is especially true if you’re going through a slump at the same time that he seems to be inundated with wild successes.  A little frustration is natural, but you may want to start looking for way to quiet that competitive streak if you’re finding that frustration is blossoming into resentment.  If your best friend is starting to look like Enemy Number One, it may be a good time to try some of these tips.

Remind yourself, one more time, that this is a partnership.

He may be basking in his current success, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t rooting for you anymore.  If your mate is having a sudden wave of victories, you may be feeling a little unimportant.  You may feel like you’re standing in his shadow, staring up at this giant of a human being who can accomplish all he puts his mind to.  You may be wondering if he still thinks you’re good enough.  Believe me, he does.  In his mind, you’re not a bug in his shadow.  You’re among the greatest reasons he was able to succeed.  You were his strength and support throughout the journey, and you’re the one person he knows believes in him.  He knows this because he believes in you, and he’s eager to see you succeed.  In victory and in defeat, you’re in this together.

Remember that your turn will come.

It’s the natural pattern of life.  Sometimes she’ll be up and you’ll be down.  Other days, the tables will turn.  You each get your chance in the spotlight.  Be patient and faithful that your time will come, and use this opportunity to share in her excitement.  She’ll remember how eagerly you cheered her on when your turn for success comes around.

Take a break.

While it’s important to celebrate with your partner, bear in mind that you can—and should—take time out for yourself.  If your mate is suddenly inundated with parties and events and performances related to his recent success, it’s okay to duck out of some of the less significant ones.  You need to nurture your own ego, too; it’s hard to do that when your social calendar is filled only with his interests in mind.

Have other hobbies.

If you and your partner have the same career, same interests, or same skill set, a disparity in your individual achievements can be especially biting.  If you’re feeling unintentionally upstaged by your mate at a skill you both share, now might be a good time to tap into the hobbies that are yours and yours alone.  That’s not to say you should stop cultivating your similar interest.  But it is a good idea to have a skill that’s all your own to remind yourself that—no matter how much you may share—you will always have some unique talents that are only yours.

Put yourself in your partner’s shoes.

As previously mentioned, the tables will one day turn.  And when they do, how would you hope for your partner to respond?  Wouldn’t you want him to embrace the partnership rather than rushing headlong into competitive mode?  Wouldn’t you love to share your victories with him, rather than spending your celebration time trying to convince him he’s not a loser just because he hasn’t accomplished what you did?  I know, I know . . . knowing the right way to behave is way different from finding it within yourself to actually behave that way.  But at least tune into that empathy and remember that your partner deserves to enjoy this moment.  Even if it doesn’t take the sting away altogether, it might help you find the strength to muster one more heartfelt smile.

There’s no easy cure for a crushed ego . . . but there is a cure for sour grapes.  It comes down to knowing yourself—knowing when it’s time to back away and give yourself some space and knowing when it’s time to suck it up, dig up that adoring smile, and tell your partner how proud you are of her.  Because if you dig down beneath all the bitterness, you’ll find that you actually, truly are.

Romantic Notions That Can Slow Down Your Dating Life

There should always be room for romance in your life.  Romance is what makes love easy, what makes love intoxicating and thrilling.  But romance does not make love complete . . . nor should it guide all relationship decisions.

The trouble with romance is that it often becomes our focus when we seek something real.  It also inspires millions of proverbs and insights that motivate us to pursue love with chick-flick style wisdom . . . a type of wisdom that really works best on the big screen.  If you’re looking for something that lasts beyond the Happily-Ever-After kiss, beware of these myths and half-truths:

Love is a feeling.

Okay, this is half true.  When you’ve met someone you really mesh with, you know it by the way you feel . . . by that sense of connectedness and that all-important chemistry.  But lasting love is much more than a feeling.  It’s a decision—a decision to stay connected when life overwhelms you both, to commit yourselves to the work of building a stronger relationship after each set-back, and to offer one another affection and support even when your partner is old news.  The feeling of love doesn’t vanish in a long-term relationship, but it does get drowned out sometimes in the noise of real life.  That’s why a practical coke-and-pizza love is no less important than the ooey-gooey goodness of a wine-and-roses love.

There is one person in the world for all of us.

I may encounter a difference of opinion on this one, but I genuinely believe that there is no such thing as a single soul mate for each of us.  I do believe that we are each unique individuals with an inherent set of standards defining our most compatible mate.  Or to put it more simply, I believe that while you won’t mesh with everyone, you do have a good chance of finding a great match no matter where life takes you.  While it’s crazy romantic to imagine there’s one perfect soul mate for you and that fate will bring him to your doorstep, many opportunities are wasted in wait of such a miracle.  Also, many individuals dwell too long in heartbreak, believing that the one they lost was the only one for them.  Go ahead and feel this way for the first few weeks.  Just know in your head—no matter what your heart is whining about—that you will turn another corner and find someone you love just as much.  Possibly more.

Love finds you when you’re not looking for it.

We’ve all got that friend—the one who feeds us this line while swearing that she had given up on love when she ran into the man of her dreams.  Almost all of my friends have told me this story, and while I don’t doubt that they remember it that way, I can tell you for a fact at least half of them were talking dating sites or moping about loneliness only a couple weeks before they met the ones they married.  If you need a break from dating, by all means, take it!  But don’t let yourself believe that you have to stop trying in order for it to happen. Take a tip from my brother, who suddenly announced one day that he was going to find the woman he was going to marry.  He had just come off a string of horrible dates and was battling a pessimistic view of the dating world when he declared that there was no reason why he couldn’t find an amazing woman, all it took was getting out there with a positive attitude.  Within a month he met the woman who is now his wife.

Love changes you.

Another half-truth.  Love does change you.  All relationships change you.  You can’t connect with someone else without learning and evolving.  However, love will not fix you, nor will it fix your partner.  If there’s some self-improving you want to do, it’s in your best interest to work on it now, rather than seek someone else to make you whole.  While a partner is a wonderful support, there will come a time in your relationship when you realize the only person who can “fix” you is you.

All of these romantic notions hold a bit of truth.  They embrace the idea that there is something transformative and mystical about love . . . and to some degree that’s true.  I believe that romance should be embraced.  But I also believe that romance should be seen for what it is—one aspect of love that cannot sustain a relationship without the support of actions and intellect.  Enjoy your romances.  Just remember that when you hit the knitty-gritty part of your relationship, it doesn’t mean the love is gone.  It just means you’ve found a new corner of it.